All of them, this is a QuickTime event. You have to feel out what they’re looking for. You have to hit the buttons in order and with the right timing
First - that sucks. Show empathy and active listening, see if they have more to say. Let them get it out
Next - you have to decide, are they more upset, or more stressed
Upset - story time, show sympathy. Keep it light on the details, and don’t try to draw comparisons - keep it at the emotional level.
Then advice time - again, keep it brief and vagueStressed - advice, lay out options rapid fire and see if they latch onto any. If they don’t, story time - tell them about similar situations, without drawing emotional comparisons, where you got past it more easily than expected
“I’m sorry for your loss. Move on.”
“It’s not like you’ve lost a pen, is it? It’s so much worse… Would you like a pen? have a spare one. …Please take it.”
“That’s rough buddy.”
“Cool story bro, did I ever tell you about that time I took an arrow to the knee?..”
“You know as someone who grew up with no food and a dirt floor I can relate. Growing up my mother died and I was often beaten by my father.”
Relateable, I once had a blanket that didn’t totally cover me. Toes or shoulder coverage only. We are truly brothers in suffering
“What can I do to help?”
“Be careful how you treat people when you’re on top, they’re the ones you need to catch you if you fall”
“I can’t say I would’ve known what to do, had I been in your position.”
“I can only imagine what that must have been like for you, which understandably likely isn’t of much consolation to you.”
“It would be disingenuous of me to presume to know what it was like for you to have experienced what you endured, but I am happy to listen to what you have to say, if you wish to tell me.”
“Cool story, bro”
The most sarcastic, yet relatable response to any conversation not involving you (or me).
“Its not that bad stop being a pussy” Works 30% of the time everytime.
Pussies are pretty tough though. Balls on the other hand … too warm, too cold, don’t touch me, you’ll hurt me. :)
“Stop trauma dumping on me, do I look like a licensed therapist?”
Conversely:
And how did that make you feel?
That sucks.
And then what happened?
That must be really hard for you.
Wow. You don’t deserve that.
How do you feel about it now?
Ugh. That sounds awful.
You’re handling this better than I would.
How do you even respond to that?
Tell me about it.
What can I do to help?
You’ve got this, but I’m here.Edit: I wrote the above to illustrate how many options there are in the parlance of active listening. The formula is simple: imagine how they feel and join their side or, if you can’t yet imagine, ask questions until you can. That’s it.
Look at mister “I leave the basement twice a week” over here
In the land of the
blindawkward theone eyedI dunno less awkward I guess man is king
Thanks, man. I needed that.
Legend
Awesome list! Much better than a list I would make 🙂
I would just change slightly the “What can I do to help?” (That is a call for a “nothing”) to “How can I help?” (That shows much more enthusiasm in wanting to help)
Hey thanks! I like that phrasing better. Less perfunctory, more sincere.
I can’t tell whether this is supposed to be advice on what to do or not. I can certainly see people getting upset at all of them for putting your feelings and perspective at the forefront however.
4: “I can help you hide the body if you want.”
“Frankly, you brought this all on yourself” usually resolves it quickly, in my experience.
Ah drawing aggro like a true tank.
Hello, we’d like to offer you a position as police chief in a neighborhood that will statistically have a school shooting soon.
That sucks.
Tell a related story is best choice because it shows that you really feel what that person is coming through since you’ve came through similar situation yourself
that’s what neurodivergent people do to show sympathy - very often unknowingly. folks sometimes think we do that to get the attention for ourselves, but it’s just a long winded way of saying “i understand what you feel, you’re not alone in your pain”
I learned this a few years ago and my mind was blown because I’m autistic and this is indeed my instinct. I have also found that neurodivergent people are more likely to respond positively to an anecdote.
Neurotypical people tend to react better to “reflective listening” — basically the “it sucks” button, but more expanded. Like if someone is venting about something, I might say “That sounds really frustrating”, or similar. It feels like playing conversational ping pong where I’m not an active participant in the rally, but just reacting to my conversation partner’s shots.
I don’t tend to find reflective listening especially helpful if I’m the recipient of it (I cope with problems differently), so it blew my mind when I was trying to support a friend with these techniques and they ended the conversation by thanking me for the support, and they really needed that. It baffled me because I hadn’t felt like I’d said anything really at all, besides just reflecting stuff back at them, which felt sort of like small talk but even more superficial. But nah, turns out that different people find different kinds of support helpful. The_More_You_Know.jpg
But then you are making this about yourself. Stealing the show. Reaping all the sympathy.
It all depends on how you say it. Some people just genuinely do need to know someone understands them at face value. Adding your own experiences and using that to validate their feelings rather than overshadow them is an invaluable practiced skill. It also allows you to layer advice into how you convey it, sometimes without them even realizing that’s what you’re doing.
A great way to do this subtly is to ask them questions that help you find VERY close similarities that open the door to a segway into your own experience. Example:
“Oh man, that’s horrible. Hitting a roadblock like that sucks so much. Did you have to deal with [related thing] too?”
“YES and it only piled onto my stress. Ughhhhh.”
“I know all too well. It’s the worst and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m so sorry. If it helps, I could go through what I did. It’s not exactly the same, but maybe something that helped me will resonate? But I understand if you’d rather just vent. My ear’s always open.”
The trick is usually asking if they want to hear it. Then you know for SURE whether or not to proceed, and you’ve framed it in such a way that is less about you and more about investigating ways the shared experience can inform how they handle the issue themselves, or how the differences can add better insight into their own trouble.
Source: I have severe ADHD that has a side effect of being extremely empathetic due to comorbid RSD. The result being a heightened awareness to how others are feeling, subconsciously taking that onto myself (for better and for worse), and subsequently feeling compelled to do what I can to help resolve it. What I described above is the most graceful way I’ve found to resolve my own quirks while also benefitting those relying on me for comfort and usually advice through this framing.
You’re great at explaining this, thanks for giving these examples
When is only you and your friend in evening near the grill, then i don’t know which sympathy i stole, i mean men truly open up very rarely and often in very small circle or even only to one person, so you have to show some compassion in these moments
So you say the initial cry’s a show?
