Snowy owls looked like absolute idiots for awhile there before we made snow machines.

I’ve already seen them in several stores near me, including Walmart. The entire store was switched over to them.

Yeeeeah, I’ve had a couple of girls where I’ve had to say, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can do that.” 😳

We talking jackdaws/crows?

Yup, gotta stop just a notch shy of “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!” in these situations.

Oh, WE EXIST, mommy! Let me assure you, as one of said imaginary schizophrenia babies. Currently shacking up in Miami with my new wife I just met cranking my hog at Sturgis.

Why did building seven collapse? Because I had two of the world’s tallest buildings collapsed right next to it. It’s not that hard.

You can’t just casually drop a historic confession like that on us, Goddamn.

Very few survive, in my experience.

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No house on Earth is worth giving up that many pizzas.

Hey, spoiler alert!

“Also, I’m going to live here for awhile to keep you all free. I hope that doesn’t cause any tension.”

I’m kidding, I also wish I’d gotten in better shape much sooner.

Insurance is already pushing in-car monitoring for discounts.

“You are bi…”

Not marry crazy!

Rude.

“Distrust Peter Molyneux.”

“Damn, I must’ve really gotten into Lost fanfic…”