What these sounds mean, he thought, is: I am alive and so are you. And we’re all very worried that we might not be alive for much longer, so we’ll just keep talking, because that’s better than thinking.
- Truckers, Terry Pratchett
I don’t know what downvoting this makes me, but I am that
To clarify, there is a word that accurately describes how I feel, but I’m too stupid to know it
EDIT: disillusioned. The word was disillusioned
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As long as the other person(s) can actually hold a convo, don’t care if the conversation is as deep as the shallow end of the kiddie pool.
This lasts right until I learn that someone likes bugs. Then I just show them the most recent bug picture I have taken. So much less energy. So much less nerve-wracking. I want to show you my cool bug photos and I want to see your cool bug photos. We know what we’re about (we’re about sharing cool bug photos).
“ … and here I forgot an ampersand so the parameter was passed by value instead of by reference and I spent so much time …. Oh. You meant the other kind of bugs, didn’t you?”
I’m into cats, psychology and game development
do you have any bug pics on your computer
If it’s to simply make noises to assert non-violent intentions, then I say we can be more than our natural urges without giving into these innate tendencies. Sincerely, an introvert.
I like to start of with small talk and then get into political issues and ridicule people. No idea why they don’t like it
Just remove all violent people first
I’m an introvert and I enjoy small talk.
Yeah the scripted back and forth is not nearly as draining to the social battery. It’s almost like when you’re sitting quietly with someone enjoying three mute presence.
Not quite there, but like farther asking along that spectrum than say a conversation where actual information or promise to act is the goal.
Calm down, brother. You must resist those biological urges. We are civilized now. 😉
I’m sorry, sister. I will do better.
is making animal noises at each-other a sufficient way of small talk? asking for ourselves.
Context dependent, but I’ve definitely meowed as a non-threatening greeting before
stare
sniff
bite
Cicadas do nothing but shreik unholy shrill screams until someone else of their species decides to have sex with them, so why don’t we give that a try?
Tried that. Got kicked out of the stripclub. Had to have lunch somewhere else.
I mean… it works for animals?
We have the tism and many of our vocal stims is animal noises (esp cats/dogs si de we grew up with them) and we just make anima noises with our partner or just be with eachother in silence and it’s calming/welcoming :3
This exchange reads like Archer dialogue and I’m digging it
“Small talk” is actually one of the most powerful tools for connection we have. It’s not meaningless chatter; it’s the doorway into deeper understanding.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
When you ask someone, “How’s your day going?” or “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” and actually listen to their answer, you’re signaling that you care about their world. That’s the quiet magic of small talk: it turns strangers into people, and people into friends.
Start simple. Ask open questions that invite reflection instead of yes or no answers. Things like:
“How’s work treating you this week?”
“What’s something you’ve been enjoying lately?”
“Do you like slow days or do they make you restless?”
Then, build on what they share. Match their tone. Add your own small experiences (“I know what you mean, I kind of love quiet days too”). These little back-and-forth moments help conversations feel easy and balanced.
The value of small talk isn’t in the words themselves, it’s in the attention you give others. Over time, these small exchanges build trust, warmth, and familiarity. They’re how relationships begin, how empathy grows, and how we remind each other that we’re seen.
So don’t underestimate small talk. Practice curiosity. Ask, listen, share. Every person you meet carries a piece of the story you haven’t heard yet, and small talk is how you start uncovering it.
“How’s work treating you?”
It’s work.
“What have you been enjoying lately?”
Sleeping when I get home from work.
“Do you like slow days?”
No cause it means I have to work longer.
I hear you and honestly, those answers are exactly what most people would say. You are being honost and, honestly, most people aren’t naturals at this. It’s a learned skill, not a personality trait.
That said, small talk isn’t really about coming up with something you find interesting. It’s more about stepping a little outside your own head and giving the other person something to work with. It’s giving them permission to show you which direction they want the conversation to go.
Think of small talk like a nudge that invites someone else to open a door. It’s not supposed to feel profound to you at first! The goal is to offering a tiny thread for them to tug on. Some people don’t and that’s fine. Some do! Maybe they relate to hating work, maybe they tell you how they unwind, maybe they joke back. You don’t know and that is where things can be fun!
Today, saw a guy walking down the hallway where I was working. He had a shirt with a movie I recognized on it. I said “I love that shirt bud! Great movie!” He said “Aww thanks! I got it a few weeks back and…”
He ended up stopping and we chatted for a moment about the director and other films.
Now, he could have just nodded and walked past. That is fine! It wasn’t about my satisfaction! But when he bit and replied, I made a friend out of a stranger.
The skill is in giving the other person a starting point and then being curious about where they take it. That takes practice, especially when it doesn’t come naturally. It will feel awkward at first and may even be painful, but that is the same with all learned skills. Sucking at something is just the first step towards being sort of good at something. The more you do it, the more you start to notice small sparks you wouldn’t have seen before.
It’s not about you being interesting, it’s about being curious about other people and their interests. And that’s a skill anyone can strengthen, one low-pressure exchange at a time.
I think my problem is I can’t really practice smalltalk. My work environment makes it impossible for people to casually talk even when not much is going on. I go out a lot and do a bit of volunteer work every now and then, but there’s not really anyone to talk to during those times other than maybe people MUCH younger than me (like around 10 years younger) and I feel even more uncomfortable talking to them since I don’t want to seem like a creep or that older guy trying to be cool with the kids.
Literally all I could say to any of this would be downer shit. That’s why I hate small talk. It’s just depressing and I feel like it makes me look bad.
You’re definitely not the only one who feels that way. I actually love what some of the others pointed out to you here. People bond over frustrations, stress, annoyances, and “downer things” far more than we give them credit for. Shared struggle is one of the strongest human connectors.
But you’re also right that unloading everything at once would feel overwhelming, to you and them. The key is exactly what folks have said here: small doses.
Something like: “Honestly it’s been a rough week, but I’m getting through it.”
That doesn’t make you look bad,it makes you look real. It creates space for the other person to say something like, “Yeah, same here,” or, “I hear you.”
And here’s the surprising part: Feeling heard doesn’t double the stress it usually decreases it.
Two people acknowledging something tough doesn’t weigh both down, it often makes the load feel shared, understood, and a little lighter.
Small talk isn’t about dumping or fixing. It’s about tiny human signals that say: “Hey, I’m here too. Life’s tough. We’re both trying.”
You don’t have to sugarcoat your life. You just practice finding those small, balanced ways of sharing that open connection instead of shutting it down. Like any skill, it feels awkward at first, but it gets easier and very rewarding with time.
People actually LOVE to complain to each other. Perhaps if you shared your downer shit, you could find lots of connection. Just be sure to dose the information in small bits, so that the other person has enough space to react and share their own depressiive stories.
Why would I want to just add more shit to what someone else is dealing with and then have theirs added to me? That would just leave us both more stressed out than ever.
People often vent that way. They need to hear they’re not alone in this shit - it makes them feel better.
It doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel like our situation is hopeless.
You’d think that, but that’s part of the point and magic, and it does not necessarily add up to that point of “leave us both more stressed than ever”.
It still adds up to increasing connection, not decreasing it. The caveat is that the whole leaving room for the other person too is vital, it can’t be overwhelmingly one sided, good or ill.
The human condition includes depressive shit too, and no one is unique in capacity for suffering, only details. That’s still something to bond over.
You’d think that, but that’s part of the point and magic, and it does not necessarily add up to that point of “leave us both more stressed than ever”.
It does me. You all are acting like I have no experience with this. Finding out other people are suffering the same as me doesn’t make me feel better about the situation. It makes it feel more hopeless.
Because people with problems in common often have solutions in common and then only one of you needs to have the answer. The whole person-climbs-down-into-the-hole-with-you story.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
OK, but, like… I’m not interested. I have a strong interest in others viewing me nonthreateningly, because I have no interest in causing harm or taking advantage of others and would rather not be viewed suspiciously. But the actual mechanics of small talk are dull and uninteresting to me. I could walk through the motions, and generally do when I have to, but the kind of energy and attention it takes for me to do that while also being aware of anything else is exhausting. I’m perfectly happy being on the sidelines or simply not in attendance at all. I just want to be able to carry some sort of authentication or certificate that indicates “Normal People including Jeff T., Paul R., Caitlin P., Rilee L., and Jaime A. all vouch for me being safe and trustworthy. If you don’t know any of them, I can provide further references.”
I really appreciate you sharing this so openly. I want to say upfront that you’re not unusual for feeling this way. A lot of people find small talk draining, unnatural, or mildly stressful. You’re definitely not alone in that. It’s totally natural to struggle with the energy it takes.
And you’re right: you shouldn’t force yourself into situations that overwhelm you or pretend to be endlessly curious. Most people don’t naturally like small talk. For a lot of us, it’s something we get more comfortable with only through small, low-pressure repetitions.
But here’s the piece I think is worth considering, and the reason small talk is actually valuable even for people who don’t enjoy it: small talk sends the exact signals you said you want people to receive.
You mentioned wishing you could carry a certificate saying “I’m safe; I’m trustworthy; you don’t need to be on guard around me.” That’s exactly what small moments of casual conversation do.
Most people don’t build their sense of who’s safe through deep conversations. They build it through dozens of tiny, low-stakes interactions where someone shows calmness, presence, or a small bit of warmth. Small talk is the first rung on that ladder. It’s how people subconsciously decide:
- “Okay, this person is normal.”
- “This person is steady.”
- “This person is okay to talk to.”
You don’t need big enthusiasm or real interest to start. Just the smallest signals. Each tiny exchange builds a little more ease for you, because people who feel safe around you treat you differently. That’s the payoff. That’s the value.
And practicing small talk bit by bit isn’t a chore so much as an investment. It’s a skill, one you grow into at your own pace. It quietly makes the rest of social life smoother, because the foundation becomes easier to lay. Even a brief moment of acknowledgment, a nod, a short comment, a simple reply, can be meaningful without draining you.
There’s no pressure to push past your limits. Comfort matters. But if you ever decide to experiment with very small doses, it can become a tool that supports you rather than exhausts you. And the good part is: it really does get easier the more tiny reps you get under your belt.
I, too, appreciate you doing this write-up. For my past, I have some decades under my belt, and I recognize that small talk accomplishes what you describe. My wanting to carry a “certificate” is precisely because small talk has never become natural to me, regardless of the (moderate) effort I’ve put in. It felt weird when I was a kid, and it’s continued to be so through all the years.
I’ve made some great friendships, and the ones that have lasted have been the folks who never really needed small talk from me. They get where I’m coming from, and (quite thoughtfully) most have done what they can to soften things when taking me into larger group settings.
Tangentially, it was quite later in my life than it should have been that I realized I almost never am the person to end a conversation, especially on the phone, barring for urgent matters or upcoming sppointments. I just stick in there doing my part until the other person has somewhere else to be, not because I’m enjoying myself, but because it never occurred to me that choosing to end the conversation for any reason other than actual need felt like I was breaking some protocol.
All this to say, it seems I missed the day in skills handouts when I was supposed to have a chance for any kind of knack at this. And I’m fine with that.
As someone who can have difficulty socializing (unless it’s something I’m passionate or knowledgeable about, but then i risk oversharing), i decided to try reading a book i ran into called Supercommunicators. It actually touches on a number of things you mentioned here, just curious if you happen to have read it yourself… It’s been pretty enlightening for me, and i find the things I’ve picked up from it can easily be applied to daily life. Some good food for thought, at very least!
I’ve heard of Supercommunicators! Haven’t read it yet, but I really love that these kinds of books exist because they reinforce something I genuinely believe: communication isn’t a personality type, it’s a skill.
Some people come by it naturally, and others learn it deliberately. Both paths lead to meaningful connection.
And small talk fits right into that. Even if it feels awkward or draining at first, practicing simple things like curiosity, open questions, and responding to what someone shares gradually makes it feel more intuitive and more rewarding over time.
I’m glad the book has been helpful for you! Anything that breaks communication down into a learnable skill is a gift.
Keep it simple! Andrew Carnegie wrote the only book you need, How to Win Friends and Influence People. Terrible title in today’s context, that’s not really what it’s about.
Carnegie set out to find a solid book on human communication. Traveled all over the US, meeting and writing university professors, was astonished that such a thing didn’t exist, so he wrote it.
Interestingly, you can pick it up and read any chapter. Nothing need be in order, it’s not a study course, very easy to digest. Most of it is simply Carnegie telling stories.
There was one that’s always stuck with me: He goes to dinner at a man’s house and the guy won’t shut the fuck up, talks on and on and on. Carnegie shut up, listened, made it clear he was listening, hardly spoke a word. On the way out the man was congratulating Carnegie on what a fine conversationalist he is!
Public domain, totally free, give it a spin. I need to brush up on it myself.
Absolutely love it
Thanks OP
“Hi, I’m very friendly, you don’t have to be afraid of me, i don’t want to harm you, we are identical!”
I will start approaching people like this.
It works great! Now I only very rarely need to tell people to go away.
Honestly, my favorite people are the ones who love to talk and are horribly desperate to babble to potential listeners. I’m not much of a talker but I absolutely dont mind looking you in the eyes and nodding my head as you talk about your hobby or current going ons.
In bigger social groups I noticed this weird thing fellow humans tend to do where they all want a slice of being the talker/ center of attention and constantly cut off eachother or tune out current speaker waiting for them to shut up so they can start their monkey babble turn.
This behavior absolutely infuriates me and I refuse to take part in it. I would rather just be silent and let you say your piece than interrupt the flow.
As a knock on effect people subconsciously notice I’m not competing with them for talk time and am sending them constant listening signals like looking in the eye nodding head “mhm got you” stuff. This seems to really go a long way with making friendly with talkative types with minimal effort.
Hobbys or current going ons is nice, but that’s not small talk. That’s just talk. Not big talk nor small talk, more like medium talk. It’s where they tell you stuff about themselves that actually matter, but not in a revolutionary way.
Small talk is chatting about the weather or talking about that person at work.
i posit current going ons can be anywhere from small to heavy talk, depending on the weight and/or severity of the ongoings.
Seems a great many of you need this.
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Nope. Don’t need that.
Did you know that the reason imgur blocks the UK is that it is trying to evade a fine for selling children’s personal data?
They are a shit corporation and they already deleted old data for posters that didn’t have a paid subscription with them.
There are other image hosts.
Lemmy lets you upped directly to your instance and if gets federated.
Don’t use imgur.
Another great argument for text alternatives such as link to text-based (archived) sources: graceful failover & accessibility.
Except that wouldn’t make a difference as far as the children data protection bit is concerned. It goes WAY beyond porn and governs the handling of any data that can be tied back to a child, including IP address, online aliases, and email addresses.
And it’s not even just about selling it, but processing it and storing it at all. There’s technical necessity exemptions, like routers aren’t subject due to handling the IP address for routing, but stuff like logging the submitting IP address with an image to be able to handle abusive submitters would count. While it is a legitimate use, part of the UK law is requiring consent for doing anything with the data of someone under 13, and the current legal situation is “well, most sites probably break the law but you can trust us that we won’t go after you if you give it your best shot”.
I’m surprised more sites aren’t pulling out of the UK with a law that seems designed for selective enforcement to get rid of sites the government deems “bad” while letting the ones it deems “good” or “harmless” serve as examples that they are trying to be reasonable with the law that basically makes websites illegal because 12 year olds can use browsers and might go there without parental consent.
Also handing the ones that do check age even more information, but it’s OK because once you become an adult to do whatever with that information.
While I agree the UK law is nuts, and its citizens either need to revolt or kill all their children & stop breeding (probably for the best) to comply with their law, I’m just writing about principles for robust web content like don’t just post an image of text
- the disabled can’t read &
- that’s vulnerable to failure for any number of reasons including geoblocking due to insane laws.
Text alternatives are resilient to failure & provide richer features (usability, accessibility) than images.
Oooh, I see, you meant text alternative in the post. For some reason, my mind went to a service like imgur but it uses something to fallback to text, assumedly in part to display an alternative to an image to avoid the UK nanny laws instead of needing to back out entirely. So that’s where the whole “that won’t avoid the issue” response came from.
I think that small talk is an ever constant reminder of the pervasive nature that is ‘wanting to be happy’.
Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with wanting to be happy. There is something wrong about being willing to sacrifice anything for what you perceive is the thing (or person, or hobby, or whatever) that will bring you happiness.
I think that the reason small talk is so fucking meaningless is because we all are just seeking some measure of peace and happiness in our lives. We simply can’t tell everyone who asks that our day is going terribly, for one thing it will make us feel worse — for another it will also make everyone that has to tolerate us feel worse. So we say “Fine” or “Good” or “Tired” or “The weather has me down” or whatever other instantly acceptable and obvious answer is easiest and ends the interaction quickly.
I think if we allowed people to be more honest with themselves that things like small talk wouldn’t really exist beyond trying to fill a silent void. But sure, friendly human noises go brrr.
GREETINGS FELLOW HUMAN, I AM A NON THREATENING HUMAN, NO NEED TO AVOID BEING NEAR MY PRESENCE
Hey bud, how you doing?
My government seems to think otherwise.
I knew imgur was getting bad but that’s ridiculous.
Anyway, Here:
Technically that’s down to Imgur. Basically the UK government told Imgur to stop selling children’s data to advertisers and Imgur was like “No, we’re going to keep doing that and you’re blocked”.
But, OFCOM basically said “Okay sure you can block the UK and that will stop you selling any children’s data going forward, but you still sold children’s data in the past, so the fine still stands” and now it’s kinda in limbo because Imgur doesn’t have a UK office so there’s nowhere to extract the money from. However, even if Imgur did introduce age assurance (which is increasingly likely given that Imgur is based in California and California is flirting with age assurance requirements too) and therefore would be in compliance with the Online Safety Act, they would still be fined because they failed to protect children’s data in the past.
