I will confirm that I did it by posting “I did it” here. This will negate any need for any type of photographic or other tangible evidence because I’m an honest person and you’re horrible for suggesting otherwise.
Hang it on a wall as a statement piece or art with all the suspicious looking yellow stains.
–Edit–
This method has additional merit in that you don’t actually even get rid of it.
Attach a rope to it, tie it to the back of some kind of lifted 4x4 or truck, and have a buddy drag it around through the fields while you ride on top of it.
This is a man of culture.
Poke a hole in it and grease it up. Put it at the end of your driveway with a sign that says “Free Fuckable Mattress, first come, first serve!”
Eat it.
…and we’re done here
g’luck op. Remember, one bite at a time
That’ll take too long. Eat it five bites at a time.
Tie it to the roof of your car, preferably a 25-30 year old subcompact with bald tires and head for the freeway. Make sure to use string, not rope, and don’t waste money on too much string.
Enjoy the drive and the problem just goes away.
fuck I actually did this once. I didn’t tie it on, but I was driving the car and suddenly there was no mattress
See. It works.
It generally helps if you tie it on
fuck it, I’m leaving it
Light it on fire while it’s still in your room. No need to move anything!
Tear some holes in it, sprinkle in nuts, and leave in your backyard. Congratulations: you now have a rodent hotel!
Use it as a surfboard.
Fire cleanses all.
Best if done in the living room so your house gets all the smokey goodness.
Everything is a dildo if you’re brave enough.
Dildos are supposed to be reusable, you know, not just dissappear. Sounds like someone needs to have a big clear-out.
Just stack the new mattress on top of the old one. Problem solved.
The bed just keeps getting comfier and comfier over time.
Mail it to the Whitehouse collect.
Collect?
Take it to the country, find a 10-12" culvert under a driveway or access, pull a winch line through the culvert, attach it firmly to the mattress, winch until the mattress is all the way in the culvert, cut the winch line, and you’re done.
Optional: call one of those YouTube drain clearing guys.
You’ve given this a suspiciously impressive amount of thought.
I plead the 5th.
And I’ll be disappointed if you don’t do it.
Break into a neighbor’s house and put it under their mattress.
