You have to practice and suck for a while, living is all a process of trial and error. Don’t blame your lack of practice and skill on other people if you haven’t gone out of your comfort zone to learn.
Yeah, most people go through that process in elementary and middle school, when I was isolated in religious homeschooling. Throughout the rest of my life, I’ve always been at least 5 years behind in terms of social development, on top of probably being undiagnosed autistic (which I’ve heard from multiple people at different times and places in my life).
People notice that sort of thing. A 25 year old who acts like a 20 year old? A 30 year old who acts like a 25 year old? People call it “cringe” and “immature,” and it removes any ability for me to practice those skills by socializing, which compounds the effect instead of catching me up.
Because they’re not reacting to you, they’re reacting to your behaviour.
Yes, my behavior is “nervous, second-guessing, and full of self-doubt,” which the majority of women have been programmed by influencers to view as red flags.
You’re gonna fail, but you have to learn to move on from that to build your confidence.
Except, every time I fail I get another demerit. It doesn’t just add another rejection to crush my self-esteem, it adds another tally on my score card, which social media gossip turns into “total creep, been rejected by a dozen women; avoid at all costs.” So why would I not stop trying? That doesn’t build confidence.
If you want to build connection, you have to learn to be comfortable with vulnerability.
People say this, but anytime I’ve shown vulnerability, people sense a sign of weakness and immediately dogpile on it. People say men should feel more comfortable showing their emotional side, as if it’s a personal failing on the man’s part and not a socially enforced structure that punishes men for showing emotion.
I’m autistic and am no stranger to misinterpreted signals. Just because I’m a woman doesn’t mean my social interactions are all fine and dandy.
I mean, that sounds challenging and I’m sorry you go through that. I’m not trying to minimize your experiences. But women with autistic traits are viewed as quirky. That probably gets annoying and attracts pests, but do you realize how society views men with autistic traits? I would love if people only thought I was quirky.
If I infodump about my special interests, people call it mansplaining. If I have a meltdown, people call it a fragile male ego. If I’m very particular about some things (arrangements, patterns, combinations, etc.), people call it domineering. If I get frustrated over something, people call it male aggression. If I’m weird, people call it cringe. If I fail to understand social nuance, people call it manipulative. If I can’t read the room or catch a hint or read subtext, people accuse me of transgressing boundaries. People expect me just to magically read people’s minds and understand everything, and if I don’t because I can’t, people attribute it to toxic masculine traits. If I have a quirk or a tick or a stim or anything else, people find the most uncharitable possible explanations and accuse me of having some deliberately malicious intent.
and you will get nowhere faster if you don’t try and you avoid social interactions because of an outcome you are assuming will happen.
I’m not assuming what will happen. I’ve had over a decade of adulthood to attempt to learn how to socialize by stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new social interactions, and after being relentlessly crushed for it I finally decided to stop bashing my head against a brick wall as if this time maybe it’ll fall down.
I STILL do not know how to socialize as a normal person, and I have accepted that I never will. It is time you also accept you will never know what is normal, and figure out what works for you through trial and error and vulnerability.
Yup. What works for me is: never leave the basement, order my groceries to be delivered, forget about ever finding a fulfilling career, give up on the dream of finding wholesome friendships, spend all day with my cat, get all my socialization requirements from the threadiverse, and immerse myself in enough books and hobbies that I can avoid thinking about what life could have been. Oh, and aggressively push away any memories of all the times I’ve embarrassed myself whenever they rise to the surface.
Here’s hoping you find your confidence. Godspeed 🫡
I genuinely do appreciate the sympathy, even though it might not sound like I do. I just don’t have any hope for myself anymore, and it gives me more peace of mind than striving for something better ever did.
What I’m hearing from you is that it’s not other people that aren’t giving you the time of day, it’s you that is not interested in other people.
That’s totally fine, to each their own, but I just don’t understand why one would complain on the internet that they’re not having successful interactions with women when they’re not really attempting to have interactions with women.
Yeah, most people go through that process in elementary and middle school, when I was isolated in religious homeschooling. Throughout the rest of my life, I’ve always been at least 5 years behind in terms of social development, on top of probably being undiagnosed autistic (which I’ve heard from multiple people at different times and places in my life).
People notice that sort of thing. A 25 year old who acts like a 20 year old? A 30 year old who acts like a 25 year old? People call it “cringe” and “immature,” and it removes any ability for me to practice those skills by socializing, which compounds the effect instead of catching me up.
Yes, my behavior is “nervous, second-guessing, and full of self-doubt,” which the majority of women have been programmed by influencers to view as red flags.
Except, every time I fail I get another demerit. It doesn’t just add another rejection to crush my self-esteem, it adds another tally on my score card, which social media gossip turns into “total creep, been rejected by a dozen women; avoid at all costs.” So why would I not stop trying? That doesn’t build confidence.
People say this, but anytime I’ve shown vulnerability, people sense a sign of weakness and immediately dogpile on it. People say men should feel more comfortable showing their emotional side, as if it’s a personal failing on the man’s part and not a socially enforced structure that punishes men for showing emotion.
I mean, that sounds challenging and I’m sorry you go through that. I’m not trying to minimize your experiences. But women with autistic traits are viewed as quirky. That probably gets annoying and attracts pests, but do you realize how society views men with autistic traits? I would love if people only thought I was quirky.
If I infodump about my special interests, people call it mansplaining. If I have a meltdown, people call it a fragile male ego. If I’m very particular about some things (arrangements, patterns, combinations, etc.), people call it domineering. If I get frustrated over something, people call it male aggression. If I’m weird, people call it cringe. If I fail to understand social nuance, people call it manipulative. If I can’t read the room or catch a hint or read subtext, people accuse me of transgressing boundaries. People expect me just to magically read people’s minds and understand everything, and if I don’t because I can’t, people attribute it to toxic masculine traits. If I have a quirk or a tick or a stim or anything else, people find the most uncharitable possible explanations and accuse me of having some deliberately malicious intent.
I’m not assuming what will happen. I’ve had over a decade of adulthood to attempt to learn how to socialize by stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new social interactions, and after being relentlessly crushed for it I finally decided to stop bashing my head against a brick wall as if this time maybe it’ll fall down.
Yup. What works for me is: never leave the basement, order my groceries to be delivered, forget about ever finding a fulfilling career, give up on the dream of finding wholesome friendships, spend all day with my cat, get all my socialization requirements from the threadiverse, and immerse myself in enough books and hobbies that I can avoid thinking about what life could have been. Oh, and aggressively push away any memories of all the times I’ve embarrassed myself whenever they rise to the surface.
I genuinely do appreciate the sympathy, even though it might not sound like I do. I just don’t have any hope for myself anymore, and it gives me more peace of mind than striving for something better ever did.
What I’m hearing from you is that it’s not other people that aren’t giving you the time of day, it’s you that is not interested in other people.
That’s totally fine, to each their own, but I just don’t understand why one would complain on the internet that they’re not having successful interactions with women when they’re not really attempting to have interactions with women.