Captain Aggravated

This isn’t a shitpost, it’s valid satire.

Here’s the popular story as I’ve heard it:

The North American video game industry crash of 1983 was Nintendo’s chance to enter the North American market in earnest. A tidal wave of low quality, sometimes non-functional third party shovelware for consoles like the Atari 2600 had basically killed public faith in the industry, and folks were ready to write off video games as a passing fad. Inserting yourself into a dying industry like that takes some care, so Nintendo did some market research and found that Americans:

• wanted to hear nothing about video games, but were excited for AV equipment and high tech toys. CD players and VCRs were increasingly popular, and electronic toys like the Speak 'N Spell and Teddy Ruxpin were rapidly gaining popularity.

• Didn’t really play games as a family, games were kind of considered toys for the youth, with very few Americans over the age of 45 claiming to enjoy playing video games.

• liked large things. American homes are fairly large by global standards, and especially in the still mostly analog world of the 1980s bigger usually meant better. A VHS cassette held more tape, and thus played longer, than the smaller Betamax cassette.

• Expressed frustration in finding good quality games through all the nonsense. Some games wouldn’t even run, and in the 1980s, how could you tell?

Responding to this input, they changed the name of the console. Gone was “Family Computer” or “Famicom”, in with Nintendo Entertainment System. The form factor was drastically changed, removing the conventional top loading edge connector slot in favor of that front loading then push down mechanism designed to emulate a VHS deck. The cartridge shell was made at least 4 times larger than a Famicom cartridge, though the circuit board inside was often identical in size and shape to a Famicom cart; most NES cartridges were mostly empty in size, but that size was required by the loading mechanism. Mostly as a marketing stunt, they offered a bundle early on with a robot toy called ROB that could interact with a few specially designed games. It was a gimmick, but a successful one.

And finally, DRM. To address the shovelware problem, Hiroshi Yamauchi, President of Nintendo, would personally approve every game published for the system. The console had a hardware lockout chip that would look for a corresponding key chip in the console; if none was found, it would reset the console, meaning unapproved software couldn’t run. That, along with enforcing IP laws on the cartridge’s physical design, was designed to make Nintendo the only publisher for the system; any third party developers would have to contract with Nintendo to manufacture the cartridges. Nintendo communicated this to customers via the Nintendo Seal Of Quality, a (trademarked) badge on the packaging to reassure customers that the game had gone through a vetting process. They stopped short of guaranteeing the game was fun to play, but that it functioned correctly, wouldn’t crash or damage the console, and contained relatively wholesome content. Custer’s Revenge would never wear a Nintendo Seal Of Quality.

That weird relationship with physical media started off as a key element of their business model, back in the NES era. They just…never let go.

It’s our special this evening.

I legitimately don’t know how to administer a Windows system anymore.

The N64 did okay. Sticking with cartridges meant a game had to fit in a tiny fraction of the space available on the Saturn and Playstation’s CDs, meaning that cross-platform games were difficult if not impossible to port, or they left out full motion cut scenes or something. The N64 had first and second party titles from Nintendo and Rare, and inferior ports. That and being THE most Japanese company out there chasing off business partners left and right, TO INCLUDE SONY THEMSELVES AND THUS LEADING OT THE CREATION OF THE PLAYSTATION IN THE FIRST PLACE, meant the N64 finished the fifth generation console race in the middle of the pack.

They continued to shoot themselves in the foot with the tiny discs for the Gamecube which meant a GC was STILL difficult to port games to because it STILL held less data than the competition, and couldn’t be used as a DVD player making it harder to sell to Dad than the Playstation 2. Due to the PS2’s low price tag ($100 less than a Dreamcast; the launch announcement at the very first E3 is a story unto itself), DVD video playback capability and backwards compatibility with PS1 software meant it outsold blowjobs for a couple years in a row.

Just a big ol wet bowl of soup.

This is congruent with my own experiences, from which I could draw at least one of two conclusions: 1, the science isn’t done on these medicines. How often outside of psychiatry do you hear “We have to find the cocktail that works for you”? 2, the industry isn’t worthy of caring for patients because money comes before patient care. “This treatment will probably work but so that we can buy a ninth yacht we’ll make you buy all these others first.”

Somehow I think it would be a bigger problem if xhamster did have hamsters.

There hasn’t been a plastic bag ban in my area, so I do dispose of them. I even use an office size trash can as a kitchen trash can. I’m a bachelor, kitchen scraps and cat litter will smell intolerable long before I fill a kitchen bag anyway.

1. I live in a forest, so no I can’t. My property is shaded by trees I don’t own.

2. Even if I could, solar panels work best when aligned perpendicular to sunlight, and fixed solar panels spend most of the day oblique to the light. Any panel that doesn’t move will give you a bell curve of power throughout the day. Mine do. I can go out there, align them with the sun with a little sundial thing, half an hour later they’re making 10% less.

Don’t mistake me as anti solar. I have solar panels in the sun making power right now. They’re useful, but they have limitations.

“energy is practically infinite with solar power” No it isn’t.

On Earth’s surface, sunlight is intermittent. Tall objects such as trees interrupt it, you’ll get to produce a small fraction of the power you expect for a few hours in the morning and evening and full power for about 4 hours in the mid-day. You need to figure out how to use it while you’ve got it, or store it for later. That gets bulky and expensive real quick.

How much material and energy goes into making those thin plastic grocery bags? They’re apparently extruded as a tube and then crimped and cut, Compare that to a woven polyester bag.

The whole “reduce, reuse, recycle” thing: I’m a woodworker, I don’t buy 600 grit sandpaper for rubbing out finishes, I use paper grocery bags. So I get shop supplies for free and use less plastic. Plastic bags mostly get re-used as trash bags, only the ones that are very torn get recycled. I don’t buy purpose built trash bags.

If you HAVE a re-usable bag, use it. Sure. Stacking up re-usable bags that you don’t take to the store IS worse.

🙄

Oh that’s easy. They tell you. Women post all over social media about expecting to be paid for.

External consistency. Read something here, something there, they’re congruent, those two sources support each other. Then keep doing that.

Divorce rates are skyrocketing, the number of young people who have never had any kind of relationship is skyrocketing, dating apps are going bankrupt, birth rates are plunging, the children that are being born aren’t being raised, and it’s fundamentally the same reason why there are multiple active genocides going on right now: People are hateful.

Reading.

I’ve never once installed a dating app on my phone in my entire life, so…nope. I’m on the outside of this one looking in.

So make men make the first move, and put him in the position of “Is this chick interested in me at all for anything or does she just want a free dinner?”

Look, the only solution to this is to make dating illegal and prostitution mandatory. Men want sex, women want money. So let’s kick this bullshit power play nonsense in the head, stop pretending love exists, and put the fucking price tag back on.

Constantly. Show me the lie.