Captain Aggravated

🙄

Oh that’s easy. They tell you. Women post all over social media about expecting to be paid for.

External consistency. Read something here, something there, they’re congruent, those two sources support each other. Then keep doing that.

Divorce rates are skyrocketing, the number of young people who have never had any kind of relationship is skyrocketing, dating apps are going bankrupt, birth rates are plunging, the children that are being born aren’t being raised, and it’s fundamentally the same reason why there are multiple active genocides going on right now: People are hateful.

Reading.

I’ve never once installed a dating app on my phone in my entire life, so…nope. I’m on the outside of this one looking in.

So make men make the first move, and put him in the position of “Is this chick interested in me at all for anything or does she just want a free dinner?”

Look, the only solution to this is to make dating illegal and prostitution mandatory. Men want sex, women want money. So let’s kick this bullshit power play nonsense in the head, stop pretending love exists, and put the fucking price tag back on.

Constantly. Show me the lie.

Yeah, they’re very salty.

So Sony isn’t fucked then.

Women deserve it.

Which one was it, Bumble I think? With the gimmick of requiring women to make the first move? The one that categorically failed because women categorically will not make the first move?

You flooded your bed, now drown in it.

That feature debuted on the iPhone 6 IIRC.

Zeus managed to knock up his own forehead if I understand correctly.

Okay so an earlier version of this script…you can tell what it is, it’s a firstname, prefix, suffix generator. As an in-joke to the show I programmed in “Bob” “Johnson” and “Oh Wait” as the zeroth entry in the lists. It would occasionally pick up the parts in normal entries though, so my favorite one it printed was Slam Johnsonmeat which…please don’t.

I wrote this thing at least ten years ago and I’ve been laughing at it ever since.

When I was learning Python, I coded a Space Mutiny Name Generator. Here, let me run a few:

Hack Slugmeal

Brick Vanderchest

Rip Fistnozzle

Stan Beefhead

Hack Squatchest

Beat Manknob

Hunk Hardhandle

Hack Hardnugget

Wedge Rockmeat

Beat Bonehat

Slam Headnugget

Stan Toughnozzle

Hack McLargebody

Hack Bulkcheese

Big Grindhuge

Dirk Squatpound

Crud Steaknugget

Hunk Rockface

Slam Fisthandle

Big Hardback

Chunk Slamface

Rip Manthrust

Beat Headmeat

^CAAAAAAAAAAH! gets out calmly

And they’re tuned to the same key.

That’s basically a McGriddle.

Camacho saw his people had problems, he searched for the smartest man in the world, found him, and empowered him to make real change.

That’s not something politicians do, for that you need an idiot.

No amount of financial incentive can convince you to create something that you wholeheartedly believe will destroy you.

Nuclear weapons. Mutually Assured Destruction doctrine.

To be fair to Nintendo, they painted themselves into a corner.

The first game was supposed to capture the feeling Myamoto had when exploring the woods near his home as a kid, so it has an excuse plot about collecting magical plot tokens on a quest to rescue a princess from a monster. It did well enough to get a very dissimilar sequel, because Nintendo also hates sequels. Myamoto always wants to do something new, he always resists making more of a good thing.

The third game, A Link to the Past, returned to the top-down dungeon crawl, but there was room on the cartridge now for some NPC dialog, so they wrote some backstory. And they got a little carried away becuase they wrote a creation myth, a deep backstory of the kingdom, a villain, and the design document of the rest of the series. The fourth game, Link’s Awakening on Gameboy, is canonically a dream. It all happened in Link’s head.

The fifth game, Ocarina of Time, is a prequel, they made a game out of A Link to the Past’s fluff text. Fans went fucking nuts for it. The sixth game, Majora’s Mask, is a game made on a strict one-year deadline, it has themes of constantly ticking clocks and impending doom. Write what you know, boys.

The Oracle games are side stories that don’t effect the overall story, Wind Waker is the way it is because Myamoto went on a vacation to the beach and liked it, see also Mario Sunshine. Minish Cap is a distant prequel that takes place before OoT, and then Twilight Princess came out, made almost entirely to address the backlash against the cartoony art style of Wind Waker and to a lesser extent Minish Cap.

Nintendo sold the Wii on its motion control gimmick. Twilight Princess was a launch title for the game, but TP was designed for the Gamecube and they just mapped wiimote swipes to button presses. They took the rest of that long console generation to develop Skyward Sword with actual motion controls, and it was yet another distant prequel even predating Minish Cap.

It’s the 2010s by now. Youtube exists, and fans are starting to make video essays about the sprawling, self-contradictory series and trying to form it into a cohesive whole. Detecting a merchandising opportunity, Nintendo releases Hyrule Historia, a nearly 300 page hardcover book that among other things contained the officially sanctioned timeline of events: The timeline splits into three separate parallel realities at Ocarina of Time, meaning some of the biggest entries in the series to date: A Link to the Past, Wind Waker and Twilight Princess, had nothing to do with each other.

One 3DS sequel to ALttP later that largely takes place in yet another alternate reality, and they come out with Breath of the Wild, which is deliberately nowhere on the timeline and contains details established in all three split realities, followed by Tears of the Kingdom which retcons even Ocarina of Time out of existence.

TL;DR: The story of the Legend of Zelda series is best summed up by its main character, Link, when he said “Hep! Hap! HEEEEEYAH!”

Would have been a funnier joke if the bottom sentence was written in a different handwriting.