My ex was a big fan of that phrase, “I can’t read minds.” I did all the managing of her emotions for her. There definitely can be a lack of communication, but I think the meme rings of “I refuse to empathize with you without you needing to do all the work bridging that gap,” but that also might just be my own experience. If I wanted to be heard and understood, I had to explain it like a toddler.
As an example, “hey love, leaving dirty cookware out to get crusty means it’s not available when I want to cook” did not elicit a change in behavior. Neither did the next two times, “hey, you left the pan out again, if you do that it makes it difficult for me when I need to cook.” She made excuses each time. When I finally hit my breaking point and spell it out, “it really upsets me when you don’t clean up after yourself. please stop doing that! clean your dishes after you use them. I have made it very clear that this behavior upsets me, it hurts me that you keep doing it,” I get the classic “I can’t read minds,” because I didn’t explicitly tell her to clean up after herself.
The same went for eating snacks I purchased for myself, or leaving wet clothes in the washer, or leaving trash out, or not taking the full trash out and instead piling on top of it, etc. If I didn’t explicitly say “I need you to do this. Please do this. Do this now,” it wouldn’t get done, even if I have made it very clear how that behavior makes me feel. When commiserating with friends, it is clear that this isn’t just me that has experienced this. “I can’t read minds” seems to more often be used by those that cannot empathize or listen to their partners, regardless of gender.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of examples of those that do not communicate well and expect as it was put, mind reading, but far more often it seems like that phrase is really just a crutch for the emotionally unintelligent. No one should require explicit instructions to empathize with your partner. If my partner is clearly upset by something and I’m not sure what, I ask them, and a good partner will never expect you to know already (unless they’ve already told you multiple times and you cannot take a hint). Pay attention to what your partners say and make your expectations and desires clear.
Is it so hard to just say what you mean the first time though?
“Hey, please do the dishes. It makes me upset to see them not done and I’m always the one doing them.”
Problem solved.
Instead the way you said you did it leaves so much open to interpretation “I don’t understand why he is all pissed off today I made sure the pan he was upset about not having last time was clean this time!!”
God I hate people that do shit like this. Say what you mean. I kind of feel this “use your big words” meme to be completely honest. You would have had to say what you wanted one time instead of being cryptic about this pan or that glass or whatever while you slowly get more and more pissed each time and she’s slowly wondering what the fuck she is doing wrong each time.
The always having to tell her to do ANY chores is ridiculous but that would also have been another full sentence to put together and maybe make a list with check marks on it or something idk man but coming home and being like “I can’t use this pan when its crusty like this” isn’t communicating very well. Say what you mean to people the first time.
We all work full time jobs we shouldn’t have to come home and figure out interpretive dance or whatever. Just say what you mean.
I’ve had managers and significant others like this and I truly don’t understand it at all. We have perfected the use if words for communication for over 5000 years now. Use the words.
It sounds like they may have had ADHD. My partner and I struggled with that for a bit what ended up helping was a small daily task list, stuff like do the dishes, do the laundry, clean the bathroom. Just 3 or 4 things to have a physical reminder to do those tasks. Eventually they become routine and the list is less necessary. If you ever find yourself in a relationship like that again it isn’t your responsibility to be your partners executive function, but it could be helpful to ask “what do you need from me to help you remember to do these things” and maybe make some suggestions.
Oh, she did. As do I. But she refused any and all suggestions or offers of help, and simply chose to make it my responsibility for her. Needless to say, the relationship couldn’t go on like that.
that’s what happens when you date a 6 year old. you can’t talk to them like they are an adult.
she was just immature dude. emotional intelligence is a nonsense phrase and has nothing to do with someone’s inability or inattention to cooking and cleaning. my mother cooked and cleaned fastidiously, but was still a stupid person, emotionally and otherwise.
you just dated a spoiled little child who refused to grow up. don’t turn it into their ‘lack of emotional intelligence’ nonsense.
further, it could be you were just incompatible in terms of lifestyle. people have different levels of cleanliness and other personal habits and yours are not necessary superior just because your standards are higher. personally i can’t imagine getting upset at someone leaving out a cooking pan and there is a huge difference between that, and like 10 of them, but for some folks, 1 is the same as 10 in terms of emotional impact.
: the ability to recognize, understand, and deal skillfully with one’s own emotions and the emotions of others (as by regulating one’s emotions or by showing empathy and good judgment in social interactions)
She never forgot when it was something for her own convenience. It was pure selfishness. If I asked her to not eat a dessert, as it was a birthday gift from my mom, sealed it in a tied bag, and wrote on it “for Erin,” and verbally confirmed with her that it was mine and I did not want her to eat it, she would then decide later that day while I was at work that she was hungry and eat it anyways. “I’m sorry, I forgot, and I was so hungry.” It was sealed and tied in a bag with my name on it. You told me that you wouldn’t eat it, and that it was a birthday gift for me. She was like this for every aspect of our relationship. If it affects me, conveniently forget. If it is for her, perfect memory.
My ex was a big fan of that phrase, “I can’t read minds.” I did all the managing of her emotions for her. There definitely can be a lack of communication, but I think the meme rings of “I refuse to empathize with you without you needing to do all the work bridging that gap,” but that also might just be my own experience. If I wanted to be heard and understood, I had to explain it like a toddler.
As an example, “hey love, leaving dirty cookware out to get crusty means it’s not available when I want to cook” did not elicit a change in behavior. Neither did the next two times, “hey, you left the pan out again, if you do that it makes it difficult for me when I need to cook.” She made excuses each time. When I finally hit my breaking point and spell it out, “it really upsets me when you don’t clean up after yourself. please stop doing that! clean your dishes after you use them. I have made it very clear that this behavior upsets me, it hurts me that you keep doing it,” I get the classic “I can’t read minds,” because I didn’t explicitly tell her to clean up after herself.
The same went for eating snacks I purchased for myself, or leaving wet clothes in the washer, or leaving trash out, or not taking the full trash out and instead piling on top of it, etc. If I didn’t explicitly say “I need you to do this. Please do this. Do this now,” it wouldn’t get done, even if I have made it very clear how that behavior makes me feel. When commiserating with friends, it is clear that this isn’t just me that has experienced this. “I can’t read minds” seems to more often be used by those that cannot empathize or listen to their partners, regardless of gender.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of examples of those that do not communicate well and expect as it was put, mind reading, but far more often it seems like that phrase is really just a crutch for the emotionally unintelligent. No one should require explicit instructions to empathize with your partner. If my partner is clearly upset by something and I’m not sure what, I ask them, and a good partner will never expect you to know already (unless they’ve already told you multiple times and you cannot take a hint). Pay attention to what your partners say and make your expectations and desires clear.
Is it so hard to just say what you mean the first time though?
“Hey, please do the dishes. It makes me upset to see them not done and I’m always the one doing them.”
Problem solved.
Instead the way you said you did it leaves so much open to interpretation “I don’t understand why he is all pissed off today I made sure the pan he was upset about not having last time was clean this time!!”
God I hate people that do shit like this. Say what you mean. I kind of feel this “use your big words” meme to be completely honest. You would have had to say what you wanted one time instead of being cryptic about this pan or that glass or whatever while you slowly get more and more pissed each time and she’s slowly wondering what the fuck she is doing wrong each time.
The always having to tell her to do ANY chores is ridiculous but that would also have been another full sentence to put together and maybe make a list with check marks on it or something idk man but coming home and being like “I can’t use this pan when its crusty like this” isn’t communicating very well. Say what you mean to people the first time.
We all work full time jobs we shouldn’t have to come home and figure out interpretive dance or whatever. Just say what you mean.
I’ve had managers and significant others like this and I truly don’t understand it at all. We have perfected the use if words for communication for over 5000 years now. Use the words.
It sounds like they may have had ADHD. My partner and I struggled with that for a bit what ended up helping was a small daily task list, stuff like do the dishes, do the laundry, clean the bathroom. Just 3 or 4 things to have a physical reminder to do those tasks. Eventually they become routine and the list is less necessary. If you ever find yourself in a relationship like that again it isn’t your responsibility to be your partners executive function, but it could be helpful to ask “what do you need from me to help you remember to do these things” and maybe make some suggestions.
Oh, she did. As do I. But she refused any and all suggestions or offers of help, and simply chose to make it my responsibility for her. Needless to say, the relationship couldn’t go on like that.
that’s what happens when you date a 6 year old. you can’t talk to them like they are an adult.
she was just immature dude. emotional intelligence is a nonsense phrase and has nothing to do with someone’s inability or inattention to cooking and cleaning. my mother cooked and cleaned fastidiously, but was still a stupid person, emotionally and otherwise.
you just dated a spoiled little child who refused to grow up. don’t turn it into their ‘lack of emotional intelligence’ nonsense.
further, it could be you were just incompatible in terms of lifestyle. people have different levels of cleanliness and other personal habits and yours are not necessary superior just because your standards are higher. personally i can’t imagine getting upset at someone leaving out a cooking pan and there is a huge difference between that, and like 10 of them, but for some folks, 1 is the same as 10 in terms of emotional impact.
emotional intelligence
noun
: the ability to recognize, understand, and deal skillfully with one’s own emotions and the emotions of others (as by regulating one’s emotions or by showing empathy and good judgment in social interactions)
Lol deja vu
Tubular Titty Frog or whatever his name is made the claim twice that emotional intelligence is just a buzzword.
So I refuted it twice.
I know, I thought it was funny lol
My feel: That person enjoyed how you struggled explaining paragraphs and setting verbal boundaries.
Im fed up just reading about the situation.
She never forgot when it was something for her own convenience. It was pure selfishness. If I asked her to not eat a dessert, as it was a birthday gift from my mom, sealed it in a tied bag, and wrote on it “for Erin,” and verbally confirmed with her that it was mine and I did not want her to eat it, she would then decide later that day while I was at work that she was hungry and eat it anyways. “I’m sorry, I forgot, and I was so hungry.” It was sealed and tied in a bag with my name on it. You told me that you wouldn’t eat it, and that it was a birthday gift for me. She was like this for every aspect of our relationship. If it affects me, conveniently forget. If it is for her, perfect memory.