It seems like you’ve never had a partner who tries to totally monopolize your time, and treats any time not spent focused on them as neglect. I can assure you this is no straw man.
Literally sitting on the same couch with her leaning on me, I’m reading a book and she is watching tv; “I don’t feel like we spend any time together anymore.”
My partner sometimes mentions spending more time together. I want it to be more quality time though and not just sat watching brainrot reality TV.
At least that isn’t all she watches, there are some things she likes that I do enjoy watching together. But when she finds a few new reality TV things and watches that I will just go and do something else.
for some folks it means you can’t have any other hobbies/friends/interests that dont include them.
this is called co-dependency.
I had a girlfriend once who basically would not let me leave the house without her, to like even go buy milk. she was so insecure she lacked object permanence. Of course, I didn’t know this about her until we lived together. But basically after a few months we broke up because I was basically living with a toddler, and in her mind I was the abusive awful person, for thinking I could go leave the house for 5 minutes without her, and fi I wanted to like come home later and get some time alone, that was ABUSE.
Oh right, and she used to run every morning and if I was feeling sick or otherwise not up to running with her… I was ABUSING HER.
Her own parents tried to talk her down out of absurd was she was being, but she simple took that as me having manipulated her parents to my side… yeah… she was not well.
Wow that sounds like an insane relationship. I guess she only really dared being herself after you moved in together? Hopefully you managed to get out without too many scars on your soul.
You might have some neurodivergence. I was diagnosed with ADHD (Inattentive-Moderate) and I recognise this situation.
You are happy and fulfilled by ‘parallel play’ where you are with someone but you are each doing your own thing.
It sounds like your partner is asking for dedicated quality time. With active interaction.
So here’s what you do: Buy LEGO.
Nothing major (at first). The Botanical sets are lovely. Then you pick an evening, put on some background music and sit across from each other building your own set and talking about stupid garbage.
Once you’re done, order some food in and cuddle on the couch with a comfy movie. (WALL-E, Spirited Away, Hot Fuzz. Something like that).
Maybe, if you’re a giga-chad, you sneak some fancy dessert into the house earlier in the day.
I don’t know why they downvotes. Parallel play isn’t for everyone but it’s a great idea to try, neurodivergent or not, to see if that satisfies both parties on feeling they spent some quality time together.
down votes because armchair diagnosing people is an asshole move. it’s shitty and awful and people need to stop doing it.
you cannot diagnose people based on internet comments. you know who diagnoses people? professional therapists and psychologists.
I was on a date last month with a woman who seemed nice, then she started armchair diagnosing me when I was talking about my hobbies. So I basically told her I had to go, because it was so incredibly rude and arrogant and I want nothing to do with someone uses therapy talk when they are not a professional. Not to mention, it’s a violation of professional ethics for therapists to diagnoses people who they are in personal relationships with.
It’s basically the equivalent of being like “oh I’m tired today”, "Oh you must have cancer! let me tell you how you need to go on this diet to fight it!’
Ah, I see. It was only a “you might” so I suppose I didn’t quite see it as diagnosing they way I am used to seeing it done from other post experiences. But, understandable.
My ex wife did this. Also, didnt allow me to go to bed until she was ready, which meant that I’d be going to bed at 2 am every night, which is terrible when you have to wake up at 4 to be at work by 5:30 every morning.
Suffice to say in reality there would be context to indicate who in that partnership would be the unreasonable one. As presented, no way to know if he gamed once in a while and she is annoyed because she is disdainful of the activity, or if he is marathon gaming and never engaging with her.
It seems like you’ve never had a partner who tries to totally monopolize your time, and treats any time not spent focused on them as neglect. I can assure you this is no straw man.
Literally sitting on the same couch with her leaning on me, I’m reading a book and she is watching tv; “I don’t feel like we spend any time together anymore.”
I reckon people have different opinions on “what spending time together” entails - ranging from
My partner sometimes mentions spending more time together. I want it to be more quality time though and not just sat watching brainrot reality TV.
At least that isn’t all she watches, there are some things she likes that I do enjoy watching together. But when she finds a few new reality TV things and watches that I will just go and do something else.
been in that relationship where ‘time together’ is ‘do shit that i like, that you hate’.
But never the other way around. Bad relationship.
for some folks it means you can’t have any other hobbies/friends/interests that dont include them.
this is called co-dependency.
I had a girlfriend once who basically would not let me leave the house without her, to like even go buy milk. she was so insecure she lacked object permanence. Of course, I didn’t know this about her until we lived together. But basically after a few months we broke up because I was basically living with a toddler, and in her mind I was the abusive awful person, for thinking I could go leave the house for 5 minutes without her, and fi I wanted to like come home later and get some time alone, that was ABUSE.
Oh right, and she used to run every morning and if I was feeling sick or otherwise not up to running with her… I was ABUSING HER.
Her own parents tried to talk her down out of absurd was she was being, but she simple took that as me having manipulated her parents to my side… yeah… she was not well.
Wow that sounds like an insane relationship. I guess she only really dared being herself after you moved in together? Hopefully you managed to get out without too many scars on your soul.
So!
You might have some neurodivergence. I was diagnosed with ADHD (Inattentive-Moderate) and I recognise this situation.
You are happy and fulfilled by ‘parallel play’ where you are with someone but you are each doing your own thing.
It sounds like your partner is asking for dedicated quality time. With active interaction.
So here’s what you do: Buy LEGO.
Nothing major (at first). The Botanical sets are lovely. Then you pick an evening, put on some background music and sit across from each other building your own set and talking about stupid garbage.
Once you’re done, order some food in and cuddle on the couch with a comfy movie. (WALL-E, Spirited Away, Hot Fuzz. Something like that).
Maybe, if you’re a giga-chad, you sneak some fancy dessert into the house earlier in the day.
I don’t know why they downvotes. Parallel play isn’t for everyone but it’s a great idea to try, neurodivergent or not, to see if that satisfies both parties on feeling they spent some quality time together.
down votes because armchair diagnosing people is an asshole move. it’s shitty and awful and people need to stop doing it.
you cannot diagnose people based on internet comments. you know who diagnoses people? professional therapists and psychologists.
I was on a date last month with a woman who seemed nice, then she started armchair diagnosing me when I was talking about my hobbies. So I basically told her I had to go, because it was so incredibly rude and arrogant and I want nothing to do with someone uses therapy talk when they are not a professional. Not to mention, it’s a violation of professional ethics for therapists to diagnoses people who they are in personal relationships with.
It’s basically the equivalent of being like “oh I’m tired today”, "Oh you must have cancer! let me tell you how you need to go on this diet to fight it!’
Ah, I see. It was only a “you might” so I suppose I didn’t quite see it as diagnosing they way I am used to seeing it done from other post experiences. But, understandable.
My ex wife did this. Also, didnt allow me to go to bed until she was ready, which meant that I’d be going to bed at 2 am every night, which is terrible when you have to wake up at 4 to be at work by 5:30 every morning.
Suffice to say in reality there would be context to indicate who in that partnership would be the unreasonable one. As presented, no way to know if he gamed once in a while and she is annoyed because she is disdainful of the activity, or if he is marathon gaming and never engaging with her.
Ok, well then the partner whose time is being monopolized has agency and probably should have ended the relationship before this conversation
Easier said than done sometimes.
Definitely. Relationships are hard