BPD moment. Mental health issues are bastards of things. I’ve tried to stop. I have stopped. The issue is the brain is literally trained to be like that–constantly on edge after a whole lifetime of needing to be on edge. I’m literally fighting the very composition of my brain when I force the splitting to turn off, but it doesn’t last. I wish it was that easy. The only way that cycle breaks is with therapy and patience.

I’ll tell you the other side of it. It’s being terrified of being abandoned. It’s not knowing if others are being honest, because trusting others has caused trauma in the past. It’s believing you’re horrible, and contemptible, and unable to change. We need the reassaurence because we don’t trust the environment unchanging. Basically, it’s a grounding mechanism. Read about hypervigilance.

It’s a fucking miserable life I’m glad most people will never have to live. Honestly, we need a PSA about it.