Tell a related story is best choice because it shows that you really feel what that person is coming through since you’ve came through similar situation yourself
that’s what neurodivergent people do to show sympathy - very often unknowingly. folks sometimes think we do that to get the attention for ourselves, but it’s just a long winded way of saying “i understand what you feel, you’re not alone in your pain”
I learned this a few years ago and my mind was blown because I’m autistic and this is indeed my instinct. I have also found that neurodivergent people are more likely to respond positively to an anecdote.
Neurotypical people tend to react better to “reflective listening” — basically the “it sucks” button, but more expanded. Like if someone is venting about something, I might say “That sounds really frustrating”, or similar. It feels like playing conversational ping pong where I’m not an active participant in the rally, but just reacting to my conversation partner’s shots.
I don’t tend to find reflective listening especially helpful if I’m the recipient of it (I cope with problems differently), so it blew my mind when I was trying to support a friend with these techniques and they ended the conversation by thanking me for the support, and they really needed that. It baffled me because I hadn’t felt like I’d said anything really at all, besides just reflecting stuff back at them, which felt sort of like small talk but even more superficial. But nah, turns out that different people find different kinds of support helpful. The_More_You_Know.jpg
Well you want to know the other person gets it, right? Otherwise it’s just hollow words. A well-chosen anecdote means that to some extent, you understand each other. I can see the appeal of that kind of commiseration.
It all depends on how you say it. Some people just genuinely do need to know someone understands them at face value. Adding your own experiences and using that to validate their feelings rather than overshadow them is an invaluable practiced skill. It also allows you to layer advice into how you convey it, sometimes without them even realizing that’s what you’re doing.
A great way to do this subtly is to ask them questions that help you find VERY close similarities that open the door to a segway into your own experience. Example:
“Oh man, that’s horrible. Hitting a roadblock like that sucks so much. Did you have to deal with [related thing] too?”
“YES and it only piled onto my stress. Ughhhhh.”
“I know all too well. It’s the worst and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m so sorry. If it helps, I could go through what I did. It’s not exactly the same, but maybe something that helped me will resonate? But I understand if you’d rather just vent. My ear’s always open.”
The trick is usually asking if they want to hear it. Then you know for SURE whether or not to proceed, and you’ve framed it in such a way that is less about you and more about investigating ways the shared experience can inform how they handle the issue themselves, or how the differences can add better insight into their own trouble.
Source: I have severe ADHD that has a side effect of being extremely empathetic due to comorbid RSD. The result being a heightened awareness to how others are feeling, subconsciously taking that onto myself (for better and for worse), and subsequently feeling compelled to do what I can to help resolve it. What I described above is the most graceful way I’ve found to resolve my own quirks while also benefitting those relying on me for comfort and usually advice through this framing.
And thank you for the vote of confidence! If this has been able to help even one person put this complex and often emotionally heavy interaction into an understandable framework then I’m happy. ❤️
When is only you and your friend in evening near the grill, then i don’t know which sympathy i stole, i mean men truly open up very rarely and often in very small circle or even only to one person, so you have to show some compassion in these moments
Tell a related story is best choice because it shows that you really feel what that person is coming through since you’ve came through similar situation yourself
that’s what neurodivergent people do to show sympathy - very often unknowingly. folks sometimes think we do that to get the attention for ourselves, but it’s just a long winded way of saying “i understand what you feel, you’re not alone in your pain”
I learned this a few years ago and my mind was blown because I’m autistic and this is indeed my instinct. I have also found that neurodivergent people are more likely to respond positively to an anecdote.
Neurotypical people tend to react better to “reflective listening” — basically the “it sucks” button, but more expanded. Like if someone is venting about something, I might say “That sounds really frustrating”, or similar. It feels like playing conversational ping pong where I’m not an active participant in the rally, but just reacting to my conversation partner’s shots.
I don’t tend to find reflective listening especially helpful if I’m the recipient of it (I cope with problems differently), so it blew my mind when I was trying to support a friend with these techniques and they ended the conversation by thanking me for the support, and they really needed that. It baffled me because I hadn’t felt like I’d said anything really at all, besides just reflecting stuff back at them, which felt sort of like small talk but even more superficial. But nah, turns out that different people find different kinds of support helpful. The_More_You_Know.jpg
Well you want to know the other person gets it, right? Otherwise it’s just hollow words. A well-chosen anecdote means that to some extent, you understand each other. I can see the appeal of that kind of commiseration.
But then you are making this about yourself. Stealing the show. Reaping all the sympathy.
It all depends on how you say it. Some people just genuinely do need to know someone understands them at face value. Adding your own experiences and using that to validate their feelings rather than overshadow them is an invaluable practiced skill. It also allows you to layer advice into how you convey it, sometimes without them even realizing that’s what you’re doing.
A great way to do this subtly is to ask them questions that help you find VERY close similarities that open the door to a segway into your own experience. Example:
“Oh man, that’s horrible. Hitting a roadblock like that sucks so much. Did you have to deal with [related thing] too?”
“YES and it only piled onto my stress. Ughhhhh.”
“I know all too well. It’s the worst and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’m so sorry. If it helps, I could go through what I did. It’s not exactly the same, but maybe something that helped me will resonate? But I understand if you’d rather just vent. My ear’s always open.”
The trick is usually asking if they want to hear it. Then you know for SURE whether or not to proceed, and you’ve framed it in such a way that is less about you and more about investigating ways the shared experience can inform how they handle the issue themselves, or how the differences can add better insight into their own trouble.
Source: I have severe ADHD that has a side effect of being extremely empathetic due to comorbid RSD. The result being a heightened awareness to how others are feeling, subconsciously taking that onto myself (for better and for worse), and subsequently feeling compelled to do what I can to help resolve it. What I described above is the most graceful way I’ve found to resolve my own quirks while also benefitting those relying on me for comfort and usually advice through this framing.
You’re great at explaining this, thanks for giving these examples
And thank you for the vote of confidence! If this has been able to help even one person put this complex and often emotionally heavy interaction into an understandable framework then I’m happy. ❤️
When is only you and your friend in evening near the grill, then i don’t know which sympathy i stole, i mean men truly open up very rarely and often in very small circle or even only to one person, so you have to show some compassion in these moments
So you say the initial cry’s a show?