Fucking shifty Canadians.

What’s your coke policy around here?

Last time I titty fucked a moth it didn’t survive.

Have you ever fucked a moth?

I like to get whiskey shitfaced and eat six packs of imitation crab.

My house has a tree we shit by so not necessarily.

I have exactly twenty-one minutes between post-snooze alarm and leaving my house.

Three little old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher runs up.

Two of them have a stroke and the third couldn’t reach.

It’s a some-assembly-required to-go sashimi box so I don’t think it did.

We call those breeding hips I’d love to meet her.

I think we should make a rule that memes that my drunk uncle posts to facebook five minutes before he passes out isn’t a shitpost.

Who hasn’t thought about cumming where you came from?

After all, the hardest part of owning a Mac isn’t learning how to use it. It’s figuring out how to get your penis unstuck from the floppy drive.

It’s like when dogs fuck and they stay stuck together until the knot deflates or the female gets scared and runs away ripping the male dog’s dick clean off.

I put drugs in my pancakes.

How are you doing fellow sex haver?

Yeah and if you put wheels on my grandmother she’d be the fastest whore in Italy.

Wisconsin‘s cannibal sandwich is kosher.

An open faced sandwich is literally named a goddamned sandwich and it only has one fucking slice of bread.

Not enough.