I see you’ve read my recent post on “The Crow”

Wait until people watch old shows from the 90s set in NYC, and there’s these two buildings in the skyline. But when you go to NYC, those buildings DON’T EVEN EXIST!!!

No no no, you’re not buying extra crunchy peanut butter

Oh, he just wants to do shots all night!

checks notes

…oh, sorry. He just GETS shot all night! Sorry for the confusion.

It’s the yeast of their problems!

Hi. I’m not part of this conversation, but I just wanted to say I like your cat!

…he could probably smuggle some drugs through the barbed wire.

What I’m hearing is to dig a waist size hole, and then shove your little brother in there.

Sooooooooooo…Lets say 2001 Angelina Jolie and 2001 Halle Barry walk into your room, strip naked, lay on your bed making out with each other.

You’re telling me your reaction would be indifferent/annoyed?

Like you wouldn’t immediately want to jump in???

You see that door marked “Pirate”??? Do you think a pirate lives in there???

She should put her new porces on her porch. Then amazon delivery people would be at a loss for how to do their job.

You come home, and ask why there’s a watermellon in your kids bed, and the window open.

Also, when most people hear “babysitter” they think some 16 year old girl. So instead, hire a 40 year old woman who’s looking to make ends meet. That way, after the prank is over, you’ve still helped someone.

About 10 years ago there was an ASL search greasemonkey script as a browser extention.

Funny thing about that is, it was made by a gay guy who disabled the ability to search for women. And when people asked him about it, he said some things that I will not repeat here, but just know it was like if toxic masculenity also took on the form of abusive and hateful commentary.

Within a week somebody released an alternate version of that script with modified code that let you search for anyone. And as Fetlife is a very all inclusive site, the revised script also had options for numerous variations of trans. Basically every gender identity you can think of was included in the updated script.

Fetlife couldn’t control use of the script, but they could detect it. Which they then banned users for using it. Since that time the script no longer works. Fetlife did something behind the scenes to disable it.

“DADDY!!! DID YOU SEE MY PERFORMANCE???”

“No.”

child develops trauma of thinking his dad doesn’t love him enough to pay attention

Dad develops anger issues over not getting to see his son perform in the school play

school has a school shooting the following week, but thats 100% unrelated. Different kid. School just happens to be in America

It reminds me of Fetlife.

If you’ve never heard of Fetlife, it’s a fetish social network. At least that’s what it markets itself as. In reality, everyone on fetlife knows what it is.

It’s a fetish dating site. And also a fetish hookup site.

But the thing is, lets say I’m a male between the ages of 18 and 65. And I want to find a woman, in my city, who is single, and into monogamy…and also a whole list of fucked up fetishes. Don’t worry, these women would ALSO list these fetishes as interests so it’s consentual.

As a fetlife user you can’t do that. You can’t search by gender. You can’t filter by age. You CAN see who’s available by city, but you literally get EVERYBODY in that city. It’s more like getting a whole phone book, rather than a filtered search list.

So it just ends up being way harder to use than it should be. They claim it’s to “protect women”, but that’s bullshit. Women are not these defenseless creatures who need you to break your whole search system to shield them from the world. Also, there’s an easy fix for that. You add search opt out in your own personal settings. They already have the ability to limit who can message you, it would not be hard to add a checkbox that says “remove my profile from search”.

I’d be good with that. I just want to search women in my area, who share my interests, are single and monogamous, and want to be messaged. The system they have makes that SUUUUUUPER hard.

That was my thought process too.

“This app helps you make friends without algarhythems, or ads, or data tracking”

“Cool! How do I use it?”

“By having friends.”

“But I don’t have friends anymore! I’m over 30, and as work and responsibilities have taken over my daily life, I no longer have the time required to maintain healthy friendships. I was looking to this app to make new friends. How would I do that here?”

“By having friends”.

I can remember Hot or Not being before Friendster. I don’t know when it started, but I found it around 2000.

For anyone unaware, the idea was simple. Go to the website, and you’d be presented with a random picture. Could be male, could be female. You could adjust these settings to be more specific as to which pictures you’d get.

But basically, you’d see a picture. Then you vote. Hot? Or not? And after you vote, you can see another picture to vote on, as well as the score from the previous voted on picture.

That’s it. Thats the whole thing. No messaging. No interacting. Nothing. Just you having an account that you upload a single picture to. Then other people can randomly get the chance to vote on you, and you can also check your own score. The ONLY other thing you could do is share your URL with friends. Usually through AIM or YIM or ICQ or MSN Messanger.

I really think that concept was ahead of its time. I think it would have worked really well as an app in 2016.

I bet like 3 old people will get what this is from…and they all had an N64 in the 90s.

“Poop Gun”

Wait, so is the gun made of poop? Does it fire poop bullets?

Then the sequal:

“Oscillating doormat”

I’m so confused. Why would a microphone need you to be 6’1? How does that even relate?

How are you going to leave the tech at home when the tech is the car?