Russia attacked the government district of Kyiv with 805 Iranian-designed drones, killing at least five people; the U.S. military attacked a vessel in the Caribbean Sea that it claimed was trafficking drugs from Venezuela, killing eleven people onboard; and a team of Navy SEALs was reported to have shot and killed at least two unarmed North Korean fishermen six years ago, and tossed their bodies into the sea.

The Trump Administration unofficially renamed the U.S. Department of Defense the Department of War; and the Chinese Communist Party celebrated the eightieth anniversary of the end of the Second World War by releasing eighty thousand pigeons at a military parade. The U.S. Military Academy at West Point rehung a painting of a Confederate Civil War general in its library, the state of Kentucky was reported to continue to marry an average of twenty children a year, and South Carolina’s senate was reported to be planning to pass a bill equating abortion with homicide and making providing information via telephone about how to obtain an abortion a felony. In Beijing, Russian president Vladimir Putin was caught on a hot mic telling Chinese president Xi Jinping that some people can achieve immortality; and in Washington, D.C., U.S. president Donald Trump denied rumors that he was dead.

The Iranian government paved a parking lot over the mass grave of thousands of people executed during the Iranian Revolution; the White House was reported to be considering banning Iranian diplomats from shopping at Costco without the express permission of the Department of State; the Justice Department was reported to be considering banning transgender citizens from owning guns; and per a new law in the state of Tennessee, kindergarteners will now be taught to identify the muzzle, barrel, and trigger of a gun. The Coast Guard announced that it seized forty thousand pounds of cocaine in the past month, it was reported that cocaine levels in Nantucket sewage were 50 percent above the national average, a nurse in Kentucky revived a drunk raccoon using CPR, and a highly toxic contaminated site in New Jersey caught fire and burned for days. In Japan, an online scammer conned an octogenarian woman out of thousands of dollars by pretending to be an astronaut who needed money for oxygen, and teenage girls in Sweden were reportedly using encrypted messaging sites to advertise their services as hitwomen. “Young kids,” said a Stockholm prosecutor, “are thirsty for blood.”

A vascular surgeon in the United Kingdom was sentenced to two years and eight months in prison for possessing extreme pornography and for having his own legs amputated and then fraudulently claiming to insurers that it was due to a “mysterious illness”; a lawyer in Indiana named Mark Zuckerberg sued Meta for repeatedly falsely flagging his account as fake; and four hikers in the woods of upstate New York called rangers to rescue them from a “debilitating psychedelic mushroom high.” In Oregon, a pilot who while off duty ate psychedelic mushrooms and then tried to cut off a commercial airliner’s engines mid-flight pled guilty to endangerment charges and was sentenced to probation and fifty days in jail, and a man who stole an excavator to break open an ATM was sentenced to over four years in prison. A woman in California was charged with multiple felonies after registering her dog to vote in the 2021 gubernatorial recall election, thousands of bees entered a honey shop in British Columbia, a swarm of jellyfish clogged the filters of a French nuclear power plant for the second time in a month, and a study found that people who used their phones on the toilet reported a higher rate of hemorrhoids.